I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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