You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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