Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
