I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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