I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
