this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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