Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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