I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
