you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
