I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
