you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
