i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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