hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
