There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
