i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
this is an emotional support booty call
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
