wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
