finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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