Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm eating all of the evidence.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This is my gift to your gina
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
