yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize