everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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