yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
