if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
