Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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