dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
