as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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