Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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