My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize