Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
