I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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