How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
