I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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