you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
