I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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