How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You ruined the universe
Randomize
