...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk is not a location!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
