It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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