She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
