I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
