i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize