i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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