seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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