peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
