I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
