dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
