how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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