"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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