I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
