I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When did angry sex become our thing?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
