just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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