Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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