I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
