You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
