nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Randomize
