all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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