Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
