There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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