Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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