I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
